what a fucking day. what a fucking week. what a fucking day. what a fucking week.
jensen ackles doppelgänger is in whole foods right now.
working on the first day of my period sucks. a lot.
I just want to cuddle up and cry or read to myself or go to sleep. ;(
i keep having these nights where i, well, i can’t really explain it. but here’s a try: they are totally magical and i’ve never experienced anything like it. i’ll just be sitting in my room, listening to my new favorite, sweet&soft song and then BAM, I’m crying like i haven’t in maybe ever or remembering like i never have or literally just eating dinner and suddenly i’m seeing a part of myself that I’ve never seen before. and then these spontaneous, amazing things happen. like out of nowhere, i realize i’ve had one of those life moments that makes things so clear it’s pretty much unbelievable.
-warm, right-out-of-the-dryer, clean clothes.
-the super smooth look of a dark chocolate Theo chocolate bar before the first bite.
-I had a very soothing therapy appointment. it left me feeling stronger and more rooted. and almost like i am my own mother bear.
-I mentioned the third school I’ve been thinking about/trying to find out more about to my therapist and she actually gasped and said something like, “oh my! that is a fantastic school. I know it very, very well. I think you would realllllyyyyy like it!!…. if it has what you want to study of course.” (ohnmygosh she’s so cute). I love affirming moments like that.
-i reminded myself how strong my inner knowing is. most of the time, if I actually listen, it’s like a ragging, hot fire. needless to say, it is almost always very obvious. I just need to honor it more often and take the time.
-I came home from therapy and it was dinner time. so I set a little table for myself on the floor. put out flowers and candles and played some very soft, very sweet music. it felt so good I almost cried.
-I cleaned my apartment. I claimed my space.
-I shared some feelings over the phone and it felt good.
-sometimes I feel like when things are changing in my life it’s like getting to know myself all over again.
-I am on my path and that is empowering.
-it’s almost 1pm and I’m still in my pjs.
-I got up at a reasonable time without my alarm. I had the morning to myself.
-I had a good, connecting phone conversation.
-I stayed in bed. I felt sad.
-I feel sad.
-I also feel a lot conflicting emotions. (or maybe not conflicting, just a lot of emotions at once).
-I have therapy this evening.
-I made breakfast at an actual breakfast time. it was elaborate and fun. there were scrambled eggs with feta, queso, kale and lots black pepper; leftover empanadas; left over beef that I sautéed up; and then tropical marmalades (that our friends from Hawaii made and sent us) on locally baked, sourdough toast.
-Gracie is snoozing on the couch
- and I’m in the mood for reading lately—-so I’m not going to rush home to clean my apt. I’m going to enjoy my day off and let just myself do whatever I like.
-I’m settling back in to being home (as in back in the states). it takes me a while sometimes. but that’s okay. I feel very capable. I am very capable.