tumblr notes on my process from the past year:

"…And after having found this redefined center of self, it’s powerful to let myself receive a whole other type of care: being cared for."

"[I have] an immense gratitude for my ability to be SO compassionate and allowing and curious with my life and myself and my experience… I am letting myself appreciate and see other people.  It feels so kind and sweet… I’m listening to and observing my own experience intently, but I’m not micromanaging or getting anxious…  I’m leaving in less than two weeks and I am not shutting down… but instead it feels like my hearts gonna fucking explode."

"I strive to experience life in a raw, passionate, compassionate and tender way… I want authenticity always. I want transparency. I want communication, even if it’s brief. I want the real thing whether it fucking hurts or breaks my heart or not (I can’t always do this and maybe it’s not what I need every single time, but this is where I come home to)… offering [tenderness] to myself and others… showing my own tenderness within a connection.  it’s a piece of me that I historically… hide and guard because it’s vulnerable and scary and easier to be fierce or passionate or playful…  but the tenderness balances it all out and keeps me soft and I want that, I want that, I want that."

"i’ve stepped into this claire that is not afraid to speak her mind…"

"i keep having these little moments in conversation with someone where i feel overwhelmingly appreciative for who they are."

"i’ve come home to myself and back to myself in a deeper way than i knew how to before.  i’m like, “right, yes, this is what it feels like to be claire.  she’s passionate and grounded and embodied and curious and fun and kind and compassionate and caring and sexy and inspired and loving and fierce and clear and direct and growing.”"

"[i’m grateful for] the feeling of falling in love with my life again and again."

"[i’m grateful for] all the mothering in my life"

"i just got so inspired thinking and dreaming about my future-flower-farmer- dance-therapist-herbalist-theraputic-ice-cream-maker self…that’s pretty cool, i just inspired myself with my future self…"

"self-care is sometimes staying home all day or night and taking a bubble bath, burning candles and writing down all your feelings.  sometimes it’s sitting outside in the sun all day, doing art projects.  sometimes it’s making yourself a kick-ass, home-cooked meal.  sometimes it’s being in nature or picking flowers or buying yourself things or painting your nails.  sometimes it’s blasting music and dancing your booty off when no on is home.  AND sometimes self-care is making connection with someone…  sometimes it’s spending the night out with a whole bunch of friends, getting a little tipsy and dancing your booty off with strangers.  sometimes self-care is sex because it feels awesome and is super embodying and empowering and great.  sometimes it’s being in community.  sometimes it’s allowing yourself to receive or be taken care of.  but always, always self-care is about paying attention to what YOU need in any given moment and not what the world is telling you, you need.   self-care is a really personal, self-defined way to honor and take care of oneself, in whichever way one sees fit.”

I’m just having the loveliest, calmest, happily content Sunday and this was a really cool project for me to do today.  I woke up so happy and for some completely random reason, started reading through my old tumblr posts.  It was inspiring and empowering to re-read some of the pieces of my process and be reminded of how much i’ve grown into myself this year.  so here it is, a mini-claire-compliation-word-portrait.

self-care-decompression day

-got up super early. had a quite morning and breakfast to myself while I tried to figure out why I was in such a weird place. -soon realized I was having a social crash and needed integration, me, decompression time. I’ve never, ever been “going” for three whole weeks with no breaks I between.

-went food shopping for the first time since I got back: walked to whole foods and bought a lot of good things. spent SO much money. but feel great about it. I’m so happy to be self-sufficient.

-talked with my sister for almost 2 hours. she’s back in the country and I’m back from the backcountry. it’s the first time in like 4 months where we had a phone conversation without a spotty connection.

-talked with hanni for a very brief bit of time and it was so re-centering and connecting. sometimes all I need is a reminder that I can just go ahead and do exactly what I need to for my own self-care. no excuses necessary.

-went thrifting with a friend and got the CUTEST FLORAL TEA CUPS and little yellow vase.

-had a few lazy, nice conversations with my various roommates.

-watched some teen wolf. about to watch more.

-did a little tidying of my space.

-made some great new spotify playlists based on a new friends awesome recommendations.

-fully and truly respected where I was at today. even though that meant retreating to my room most of the day and not accepting the many of the various invites.

-that last one feels like a very new ability of mine. the ability to know I’m not missing out in things. the ability to just fully put me first. to be rational and know there will always be another good thing on another day. like, that feels like true, complete, unadulterated self-care.

-going to end the night curled up with a cup of tea in said tea cup, finish my catch up on teen wolf and then maybe settle into a book or a movie…

settling into new life in new places is an exciting, tiring, fun and weird experience.

recreationalcannibalism

rachellephant:

the most important thing to me ever is bi kids knowing that it’s ok to be 10% attracted to women and 90% attracted to men or 10% attracted to men and 90% attracted to women and still feeling ok to identify as bi, and still feeling like their identity is valid, and still feeling like they can lead fulfilling lives with both (or other) genders. like that’s just so fricking important.

after almost a month of backcountry living, I’m back in front country life.

1) back-to-civilization-and-claire-hasn’t-showered-in-three-weeks-selfie
2) best shower ever.
3) makeup and non hiking clothes and painted my nails made my heart happy as can be😍
4&5) I like my new people quite a bit 😁❤️

I’m letting myself do me, be me and grow me in this new place with these new people. I did it. I’m doing it.